The
first experience I'm going to share happened back home, when I was a teen in
high school. With that said, I invite you to pay close attention to the words I'm
going to share. I urge you to learn from my experiences before you go on that
next mission trip or volunteer at your local food bank…
--------
It
was another Saturday morning. I think it was right after Adopt-A-Block, a
program with the mission to serve impoverished neighborhoods across the greater
Los Angeles area. My neighborhood, Ramona Gardens (aka the “Hazard” Projects),
is one of the main Adopt-A-Block locations being served. I believe we had just
finished handing out food to a variety of families living in the housing
projects; my friends and I enjoyed serving by handing out food ourselves. The
perks of volunteering were that we could always ensure our families would
receive at least one bag of food or necessities. Those days it felt like the
Dream Center in Los Angeles really did an impeccable job at being a church like
the one we see in the book of Acts. A church that acknowledges that loving one
another by serving one another is necessary in God’s family. And it's true;
I did experience a lot of joy at the Dream Center, that's where I came to
faith. :) That's where I met the mentors that encouraged me to pursue higher
education. Those same mentors loved on my sister and I as if we were their
children, and my sister and I still see them as our second parents.
That's where I started to learn how to love myself. That's where I started to learn that I wasn't
at fault for my childhood trauma. That's where I learned that Jesus loves me no
matter what I do or do not do. That's where I learned that Jesus loves me no
matter what I do or do not have.
That's
also where I was first introduced to the whole “White Savior” complex without
knowing what it meant…
We
went to IHOP right after Adopt-A-Block; one of our mentors was kindly treating us out. She was somebody who spent a lot of time with us inside and
outside of the projects. She did a lot to show us she cared.
Which is why her words came as a shock that day.
We were sitting at the table and she began to share about her conversation with one of the main directors at the DCLA. She shared that her director was so amazed by her and her commitment to love on all the “project” girls (yup… that's how everyone referred to us) she said, “I mean. I'm surprised about how much time you spend with these girls. It's not like they will ever give you ANYTHING in return…”
Which is why her words came as a shock that day.
We were sitting at the table and she began to share about her conversation with one of the main directors at the DCLA. She shared that her director was so amazed by her and her commitment to love on all the “project” girls (yup… that's how everyone referred to us) she said, “I mean. I'm surprised about how much time you spend with these girls. It's not like they will ever give you ANYTHING in return…”
….
I'm gonna give you some time
to let that sink in….
to let that sink in….
Unfortunately,
that's not where the trauma stopped. Our mentor then sat there, almost
questioning herself, and said, “I mean it's true. What will you all EVER give
me?”
…
I cannot explain what it felt like to hear those words. I mean here sat the
very person who was pouring into our lives, sharing JESUS with us, and she
still had the audacity to insinuate we would never become ANYTHING….
Fucked
up shit right…
The
worst part was seeing how those words crushed all our spirits at the same time.
I mean it's one thing to hear it coming from the news and other people who were
irrelevant to our lives, it's another thing when you hear it from Christian people who were
supposed to love on you and empower you. To hear those words from people who
you see sing every Sunday about God being “the God of this city.” I still can't
fully remember what I said that morning; all I remember was the anger I felt
inside. Looking back, that was probably one of the first times I experienced
righteous anger. I didn't feel anger towards her; I felt anger towards the
effect her words had on my friends and I. The betrayal those words brought were
heavy and weighed down on my soul. It was like Judas Iscariot giving me an
individual kiss. I went off; somewhere in there I mentioned that WE would
become someone. We wouldn't just live in the projects for the rest of our life,
we wouldn't always be poor.
It's
so strange that something that happened when I was 17 years old still lingers
with me 6 years later. It hurts that moment is secretly one of my motivations in
pursuing higher-Ed. It hurts that I felt I had to prove the church wrong. It
hurts that I had to explain why calling us “project girls” is degrading. It hurts
that I hardly saw any diversity among leaders in one of the most diverse cities
in the world. It hurts that I experienced this in the very place I began my
relationship with Jesus.
Betrayal
hurts. Being segregated hurts. Being labeled hurts. Breaking those labels
hurts. Healing from that entire trauma hurts. Returning to that place hurts.
Graduating from UC Davis, without all my old friends, hurts. I will never know
the impact those words had on all my friends or even on our old mentor. All I
know is that it's a memory I've been revisiting since it happened. It's a
memory that eats away at my brain in the late hours of the night… It's a memory
I look back on 6 weeks away from my graduation.
-----
*PS
Don't
ask me about my life living in the projects, unless I invite you into that type
of conversation. I'm not a walking museum… Also, please save any remarks about
how you wouldn't know I was poor (or did know)… our perspectives on who is poor
in America are not quite well informed.
To get edumacated, check out:
$2.00
a Day: Living on Almost Nothing in America
By Kathryn J. Edin & H. Luke Shaefer
&
The Bible
(KJV, ESV, NIV, etc. they all should have the same message about how we should serve others and not expect to be served...)
~ thanks for listening and receiving. <3
&
The Bible
(KJV, ESV, NIV, etc. they all should have the same message about how we should serve others and not expect to be served...)
~ thanks for listening and receiving. <3
